Interview by SM

Leo Jay
Wolfgang Amadeus Stallonious Van Phonk Meister the 19th and 3/4s
Barack Van Zedong Bell-Bottoms
St. Pene Flava-Flav Fondue
The (Almost) Lengendary Costello Milat

www.myspace.com/cotfm

From ‘The Children’s Froghourt’ to raging against the Sabine vaccine, Cot.Fm have always managed to stay irrelevant

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo. Tuckoo would later join COTFM but would be tragically killed in a bus accident in 1996. Tragedy is something inherent in the group, if not for the ever changing members over its long history but for everyone who has ever been subjected to listen to the music. The current group is now in somber rest, preparing for their final performance ever, but how did COTFM reach this point of sheer hopelessness?

After competing in, and winning, 1979s Rock ‘n’ Roll High School band competition, organized by Roger Corman and Allan Arkush, COTFM undertook a series of projects including a string of unreleased or unfinished albums (notably, Iraq & Roll and Their Satanic Majesties Complement Fixation Test), a failed film project, COTFM: The Movie (The Ultimate Experience in Grueling Decor), one completed album (Audio Buffet), and a world tour which was cancelled after just two dates consisting of a fifteen minute set at a private party to an estimated twenty people and one show at an unknown location where no crowd was recorded to have turned up and in which the band themselves failed to show up, apparently ‘forgetting about it’. This series of events was followed by months of inactivity before the group reformed, debuting a new line-up at the exclusive Mercury Bluescope WIN Entertainment Concert in December of 2007 after an exhaustive ‘2 hour a week for 2 weeks’ rehearsal schedule. The concert marked a slight name change from simply ‘Cot.Fm’ to ‘The Real Pettibone’. This name change, like the group itself, went unnoticed. This was then followed by an extended period of inactivity before the members re-grouped and informally changed their name to Cot.Fm: Rage Against the Sabine Vaccine, though I have been informed that this could change any minute.

This is by no means an extensive history of the group, who are perhaps best known as the ‘Children of the Frogurt Machine’. In fact, the group can be traced back as far as the Carolingian Empire, though the current line up of Cot.Fm, consisting of Leo J, Wolfgang Amadeus Stallonious Von Phonk Meister the 19th & 3/4s, The (Almost) Legendary Chip Magee, St. Pena Flava-Flav Fondue, Barack Van Zedong Bell-Bottoms and Afrika Bambelushi, bares closer resemblance to the sound of 1951s ‘Children of the Fat City Milk Bar Compendium’, which would later become ‘Children of the Fat City Frogurt Compendium’, and later simply the ‘Children’, before becoming ‘The Children’s Froghurt Compendium’, followed by the short-lived ‘Compendium’, before settling on ‘The Children of the Frogurt Compendium’. This group was made up of the Remnants of ‘The Frogurt Machine’s Brood’; a group of Tunisian refugees who had traveled to the United States. All Tunisian members were soon replaced: out of the seven members, six died in a freight train accident and band member Milton Hyland Erickson, who was driving the train at the time of the accident, soon re-established the band with new members: Dzeliwe Shongwe, André Grétry, Luca Fancelli and Amal Hijazi. Milton Hyland Erickson was then replaced by Fats Wynberg. André Grétry was later replaced by Wolfgang Van Nath Dhar, who was then replaced by Amal Hijazi’s brother-in-law, Marino Sinibaldi. The whole group was later killed in a horrendous skiing accident but later reformed in 1952 by Shongwe’s chiropractor, Leonardo Hitler. Hitler got together with acclaimed Milk Bar owner Amadeus Wolfenstein, reforming the group as ‘Hitler und Wolfenstein’s Maschine des Gefrorenen Joghurts’. The duo experienced severe obscurity before being revived by Wolfenstein’s grandson in 1959 as ‘The Hula-Hoopin’ Children’s Frogurt Machine’, proclaiming a move from ‘obscurity to mediocrity’, two things which are fundamental aspects of the band today.

As the group continued to change, one aspect which seemed important, perhaps to Amadeus Wolfenstein at least, was the prevalence of what the band today call ‘Milk Bar Culture.’ This is may be the only comparison to any 50s line up of COTFM and today’s ‘Children of the Frogurt Machine’, however, there is one thing that binds all versions of COTFM together: the band seems to be completely irrelevant, almost to the point where the group exists entirely within itself. This absolute insignificance was demonstrated when the group apparently opened for the Veronicas this past December and went completely unnoticed with patrons swearing the group never performed.

The group now view themselves as cultural elite authoritarian rock gods who consider the individual subordinate to the interests of COTFM, citing Benito Mussolini, Joseph Stalin and Dick Clark as influences. You may experience COTFM’s unique brand of fascism by buying their yet to be released latest album or by seeing their live performances, which could come anytime between now and the next federal election.

The sheer arrogance of the band is no less apparent than in my interview with Afrika Bambelushi.

Is the band planning any upcoming shows in Wollongong?
Bambelushi: Where is Wollongong?

Wollongong is Australia's most loveable regional city located just south of Sydney, attracting tourists with such events as the Horticultural Autumn Flower Show Festival and The North Beach Annual Chili Cook Off. The city is also known for its excellence in fine arts, shoppings, fine dinings, museums, entertainments, beaches and ICAC investigations. So, is the band upcoming any planning in Wollongong shoes?
Bambelushi: Ah, well, you know… We’re just taking it as it comes but we are always looking forward to another… uh… big challenge. Um… we’ve had a good start to the year, um, considering the off-field dramas we’ve had… um…

How has the sound of the band developed over time in context of pathos, ethos and logos as they apply to the postmodern development?
Bambelushi: Well, um, you know, we’re just taking it one day at a time. We’re, um, you know, going along nicely but, there’s um… There’s still a lot of room for improvement… uh… you know… um… um… voetsek… uh… you know…

The band seems to be finding its feet in terms of performance. Where do you find these terms of performances and why do you put your feet in them?
Bambelushi: No comment.

Your last performance was substantially better than your performances two years ago. What would you attribute this to?
Bambelushi: Ah… Yeah, I guess at the moment it’s just a matter of doing everything we can to put on a good performance and we’re just… you know… trying to do as well as we can… Salugi… uh… outswarm, unrustling… um… you know, Pish, Ruddock, Fair-go, working families, um… ASIO, you know… HOTCHA!

Does the band have any aspirations or perspirations to release a new album this year?
Bambelushi: Aspirations? No. Will we release an album this year? Yes. And I use the term ‘album’ loosely. Volonté vous revenez à ma maison pour certains bouncy-bouncy?

How much do you think the songs go toward building up a myth of a state of mind?
Bambelushi: I don’t know…. You know, uh… I mean, you know… um… we are pretentious wankers hell-bent on enslaving the average idiot teenager under a cult of personality, which is a lot easier than you’d think. It used to be ‘Be Bop A Lula’, now it’s ‘Straight Lines’. We just move with the times.

Hopefully COTFM will never be playing at 5 Crown Lane.